


Hash

by AmberDread



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Chewie is a dog, Child Neglect, Childhood Friends, Coming of Age, Devoted Reylo, F/M, HEA, Hash Brownies, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Non-Linear Narrative, Pain Train, Parties, Protective Ben Solo, Recreational Drug Use, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Teenagers, injuries, small amount of violence, threatening behaviour, threats of sexual assault
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21824758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberDread/pseuds/AmberDread
Summary: Ben and Rey were best friends, until Ben ruined it.Will she ever forgive him?
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 28
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

Ben had been enjoying himself until _she_ turned up. The house party was in full swing, the music was loud, the beer was flowing and there were plenty of hot girls giving him come-hither looks. But then _she_ had shown up, and he couldn’t concentrate on anyone else.

Unfortunately, her best friend was now dating Poe Dameron who was invited to these sorts of parties, and so there she was, looking underdressed and unimpressed.

Yet even though she never made any tangible effort with her appearance, she always seemed to stand out.

Tonight was no exception, she was in ripped jeans, battered boots and a baggy band hoodie, the name of which he didn’t recognise, with her glossy chestnut hair in a messy bun, whisps already coming loose. Despite all that, she was the prettiest girl there and it irritated him no end.

“Who let the riffraff in?” Hux asked peevishly from beside him as they lounged against the cabinets in the kitchen.

Ben grunted and swallowed some beer before shrugging, “They’re with Poe, and he’s best mates with Snap, so it was bound to happen.”

Hux made a considering noise, “It would be interesting to see what she looks like in a dress.”

Ben snorted, “I wouldn’t hold your breath,” he pulled his cigarettes out of his pocket, “I’m going outside.”

Hux followed and they joined the others who were already in the back garden, the air was cold and damp though it wasn’t actually raining. He stayed out there for some time, hoping that by the time he went back in, she would have bailed.

When he finally did go back inside, he didn’t see her. Poe and Finn were sitting together in an armchair, very much attached to each other and oblivious to everyone else.

He couldn’t help frowning a little in disapproval, did this mean they had let her walk home alone?

He told himself he didn’t care, but had to admit that he really wasn’t in the party mood anymore. While he was zipping up his coat to leave, Hux found him, chuckling to himself.

“No one told the Scavenger that the brownies had hash in them. She is as high as a fucking kite.”

Rather than amusement, Ben just felt concern - where was her supposed best friend? You don’t suck face when your best mate is on one.

“Where?” was all he asked.

Hux rolled his eyes at him, “Upstairs, sitting in the airing cupboard. Just follow the giggling.”

Ben sighed and went upstairs, if he didn’t take care of her, something bad may happen, and he’d feel guilty.

Hux was correct, he could hear the giggling as soon as he got upstairs. He followed it and was glad he did - there were a couple of guys too close to her, Sheeve and Aleister were never good news.

“Out the way, dickwads,” he ordered as he shouldered past them. Aleister may be taller than he was, but he was skinny, Sheeve barely came up to his shoulder, both of them were bullies, and like bullies, they always ran from someone meaner than they were. 

They protested and threw insults, but they left and Ben was left staring down at her. She was lying on her side, still giggling, apparently oblivious to what was happening and what _could_ have happened.

He crouched down, and poked her in the arm, “You okay there, pocket bint?” He had to poke her again before she even registered him.

Her eyes rolled as she slowly moved her head and squinted at him, then snorted inelegantly, “You look like a jug with two handles.”

Ben flexed his hands and scowled at her, resisting the urge to undo the top knot his hair was tied in. 

He let out a frustrated breath as she started laughing again. He really was tempted to just leave her… but if his mother found out, she would crucify him. She was forever telling him he should look out for her, _Rey…_

*****

Rey lived a few roads away from them, in a very different area despite the proximity. When they had first met, Rey had been a scrawny, dirty uchin, with huge eyes and a smart mouth. 

One day, despite their size differences, she had attempted to steal his bike from him. He had been so astonished that he laughed his head off. His laughter had stopped when she booted him in the shin and nabbed his bike. She hadn’t gotten far though, her legs were barely long enough for her to reach the pedals and it looked like she had never actually ridden a bike before. She had fallen off, hitting her chin and scraping her skinny knees, then burst into tears. 

She had looked so pathetic that Ben found himself forgetting her transgressions and had dragged her home with him.

Leia had fussed over Rey as she sat in their warm kitchen, cleaning her wounds and then giving her milk and cookies.

After that, he had come to think of her as his little sister and his mother and father had grown very fond of her too. She regularly had meals with them and sometimes Leia persuaded her to shower, giving her Ben’s old clothes that he had grown out of.

Despite the many complaints Leia had made over the years to social services, Rey still lived with her uncle, a miserable excuse for a human being who liked having her around solely for the money he got for taking ‘care’ of her.

Rey had pretty much become his best friend. Although he was a few years older, they got on well, even though she often got him into trouble. Then one day, it all went horribly wrong… or rather, he had done something stupid and she had never forgiven him for it…

*****

Rey was still giggling slightly but had become fascinated by her own hands, turning them this way and that, squinting at them like she didn’t know what they were.

Ben had no idea who had made the brownies or how strong they were. If Rey had been any good at socialising, she would have known brownies at parties always had hash in, or something stronger. Finn was such a shit friend, he should have warned her… unless someone had given them to Rey to eat on purpose? He glanced behind him to see Sheeve watching him, eyes glittering with interest.

Ben sighed once more before hauling Rey to her feet, but her legs may as well have been made of jelly, and she was still studying her hands.

Gritting his teeth, (because he’d probably never live this down), he picked her up, deciding against putting her over his shoulder like a sack in case she puked down his back. 

So Ben carried his giggling burden bridal style, trying not to notice the smell of her hair or the heat of her body against his chest.

  
  


*****

He had been feeling the heat of someone else’s body the day he’d fucked up. Bazine Netal was the most popular girl at school and he’d been kissing her for the first time, elation and nervousness skittering around in his chest. 

“Eww! Ben, what are you _doing?_ ”

He’d been oblivious to what was going on about him, but as soon as he heard Rey’s voice he had jerked away from Bazine, face flushing and embarrassment heating his words. 

“Beat it, you white trash nothing!”

Bazine had broken into peals of delighted laughter as Rey gaped like a fish, colour draining from her face before running away. 

Part of him had regretted it immediately, but the teenage boy filled with hormones part, which was much greater, hadn’t cared a bit.

At least he hadn’t until he heard that Rey had gone missing. He had been so taken up with Bazine and her cool friends that he hadn’t noticed Rey’s absence until one day he was taken out of his science class by the deputy head to ask if he had seen her. Apparently her good for nothing Uncle had told the school she’d never come home, (when they rang him to ask about her absence). And as he, Ben, was known to have a connection with her, they thought he might know where she’d gone. 

He didn’t.

That evening, he and his parents had gone out looking for her, the next day, there was a search organised by the local community. 

It was two weeks before Rey was picked up by the police, almost two hundred miles away. To Leia’s fury, this did not lead to Rey being taken away from her uncle.

Rey had come back to school, thinner and a lot quieter, and when Ben tried to talk to her, she had walked quickly away from him without saying a word.

To make things worse, her absence in his life broke his parents' hearts, they missed her too, and he couldn’t bring himself to admit what he’d said to her the last time they spoke, afraid of their hurt and disappointment.

Ben didn’t date Bazine for long, he came to realise that she was like a beautiful vase, pretty to look at but empty and for decorative purposes only.

Rey kept to herself, always alone, a skinny, solitary figure, quiet until baited, then feral and foul mouthed.

Until one day, she wasn’t alone. 

Ben was sitting in the canteen with Hux, complaining about the food, when Rey ran past their table, her hand held by a black kid, one Ben vaguely recognised as being new. There had been a look of shy surprise on her face.

It was a look he had known well, one he thought she had kept only for him. It hurt him beyond words that she now wore it for someone else. He was fully aware he had no right to feel hurt. Even though he had made a few attempts at talking to her since she went missing, it appeared those six little words uttered without a thought had put the iron in her soul.

Sometimes he tried to be angry, they had known each other for years, she should have known he didn’t mean it, she should have forgiven him, she should have let him apologise. 

Yet he knew that for a girl who didn’t really have anyone there for her, having the one person she thought bucked that trend spit something so scornful and cruel, would have a deep seated and far-reaching effect...

*****

Of course it was raining now. Rey lolled her head back over his arm, sticking out her tongue to catch the fine mist on it, giggling all the way.

At least she wasn’t running from him for once, seeming to have completely forgotten her hatred of him. Though perhaps she simply didn’t register that it was him at all.

He carried her all the way to her uncle's house, almost a mile away. He barely felt her weight though, small as it was. It was her presence he felt, like a balm to the wound he’d carried in her absence.

When they got to Unkar’s house though, he found that Rey’s uncle had some friends round, he could hear them from the path through the open living room window from which smoke curled along with the smell of many years of fried food.

And he could hear them.

He was very glad he’d turned up in time to hear what was being said, too.

“I wouldn't mind her sitting on my lap now though, it used to be annoying when she was a skinny rat, but now,” there was gravelly laughter and whomever was talking carried on with a lewd chuckle, “Could give her some rum, play a few games, she’s legal now right? Little thing like that’d get drunk real easy I reckon.”

“Ain’t she out at a party now? Might come home drunk,” another voice suggested.

Unkar snorted, “She don’t drink,” that didn’t surprise Ben, she had always hater Unkar’s drinking, “Too stuck up, never should ‘av sent her to that school, gave her ideas.”

“I’ve got some ket on me, could make her a drink before she goes to bed?” 

The hair all over his body stood on end as nausea flipped his stomach and Ben decided he had heard enough, turning away as quietly as he could, he went back to the road and started walking again.

Belatedly he noticed that Rey had gone still and silent, looking down at her he found her eyes wide and unfocused, a haunted, trapped look on her face. He didn’t think she could see him, or hear him when he tried saying her name.

It was like her body was awake but she herself wasn’t there.

It was an awkward scrabble to get his keys out and open the front door, and still more awkward to shut the door with Chewie wagging ecstatically and trying to shove his nose everywhere he could.

Luckily, his mother and father were away for the night, it had coincided very nicely with the house party and he had intended to get trashed and/or get laid… so at least he didn’t have to explain what he was doing carrying home a semi-conscious Rey.

She was still unresponsive, though now her eyes were closed and her face was peaceful, merely sleeping.

A strange urge overcame him, a desire to never let her go again, to never lose her again, to never have to watch her turn from him.

He shook his head at himself, but carried her upstairs to his room and placed her gently on his messy double bed.

He went so far as to take off their respective boots, covered Rey in his duvet before settling down next to her but as far away as he could whilst still being on the bed, and wrapped himself in a blanket.

Sleep was a long time coming, he ignored Chewie’s faint whines at not being allowed upstairs and studied Rey’s face, mapping her freckles, committing each feature to memory, afraid that if he did not now, he may never have another opportunity.

He fell asleep watching her eyelids twitch as she dreamed, hoping that they were good.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey was still asleep when he woke, he found himself much closer and flushed as he realised he’d pulled her to him as he slept.

He untangled himself and quietly climbed out of bed. The clock showed midday and he ambled downstairs, only to find his parents had gotten home earlier than he had expected. 

At least there was a pot of coffee ready.

Han was at the kitchen table behind a paper but dropped it to eye him as he leaned against the counter to drink his coffee.

“Good night last night?” Han asked as he eyed the clock on the wall, as if he hadn’t done much worse when he was a teenager.

Ben shrugged, “Not great,” he hesitated, then, “You should probably know, Rey’s here.”

Han’s eyebrows climbed into his hairline, “Rey? _Our Rey?_ Here? As in, in _your room_?”

Ben shifted uncomfortably, aware of his ears growing red beneath his hair, “Yeah, but not like that, she accidentally got high and I had to bring her home early.”

Han put his paper down and folded his arms, “Accidently? And why here and not her house?”

Ben downed his coffee and put the cup on the side, “Apparently she ate hash brownies but didn’t know what they were, I only found her after,” again he hesitated before his shoulders slumped and he ran his hands through his hair, “I did take her to Unkar’s first but, well, I overheard some stuff and thought she’d be… safer here.”

Han leaned forward, absentmindedly stroking Chewie’s head as he asked, “Safer? What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ben recounted the overheard conversation as best he could remember and Han’s expression turned into a disgusted scowl.

Once Ben had finished, Han stood, “You did well, kiddo,” he said as he ruffled Ben’s hair, even though he knew Ben hated that and being called  _ kiddo _ too. “She can’t go back there, not this time. Go take her some coffee, I need to have a chat with your mother.”

Han went out the back door, a glance out of the window showed Leia in the garden, making the most of the fleeting February sunshine as she tidied up the borders that were now blooming with daffodils and crocuses. 

Ben sighed and poured another mug of coffee, feeling oddly nervous - he hadn’t spoken to Rey in four years and he had no idea how she was going to react to the situation. When he reached his bedroom door, he almost chickened out and went back downstairs to ask Leia to wake her instead, but shook his head at himself and gently opened it instead. 

She was still asleep, tangled up in his duvet, her body twitching as if she were struggling against something. 

Putting her coffee down on his desk, he awkwardly sat on his bed trying to decide what to do as he watched her eyes move rapidly behind her lids, her breathing hitching.

A small noise of distress galvanised him into action, leaning closer to gently shake her shoulder.

Rey came awake abruptly, and with a small snarl her right fist connected with his jaw. Despite her size, she packed a decent punch and his head snapped to the side with the impact, and he gave an undignified yelp.

“What the hell, Rey?”

It was as if her aura shrunk in on itself, her body hunched with a jerk, and her wide hazel eyes blinked at him confusedly, before they left him to take in his room.

“Where’s Finn? What happened? ”

That hurt somehow, he looked away from her, rubbing his jaw, “You ate hash brownies at the party and got stoned off your face.”

There was a pause, then, “Okay, but why am I here?”

How did he even explain? He grabbed her coffee and offered it to her but she shook her head, even though she looked rather pale.

Putting the cup down again, he swept his hair out of his eyes, then looked down at his knees, “I took you back to Unkar’s house,” calling it her house had always made her furious, and he didn’t want to make things any worse right now. “But when we got there, Unkar had some of his friends over and I overheard them talking…”  _ fuck this was difficult, he should have got Leia to do it _ . “I didn’t like what they were saying, and then one suggested putting Ket in your drink... I decided to take you back here instead.”

To his surprise and not a little horror, Rey just snorted derisively and shrugged, “That’s old news,” she told him casually as she shuffled to the end of the bed and stood up.

But she swayed and sat down again with a dry swallow, putting a hand to her head, face screwed up.

Ben knew she’d be dehydrated and nauseous and clearly her head hurt, but he couldn’t seem to concentrate on that right now, all he wanted to know was, “Wait, this happened before? When? Tell me!” he hadn’t meant to sound so angry and demanding, but it just slipped out.

Clenching her fists at her sides, she didn’t look at him as she answered, “None of your fucking business, is it?” It wasn’t really a question. Standing once more, with more determination she stumbled her way over to where he’d placed her boots, next to his.

“Where are you going?”

Sitting on the floor to pull her battered boots on, she shrugged, “Wherever white trash goes.” 

He full on flinched, her tone was so cutting, so bitter and still so unbearably hurt. It was painful to hear.

At this point, he was fairly sure she was too riled up to hear an apology right now, and it wasn’t as if he’d never gave her one before, he’d given several, so he tried a different tack.

“Han and Leia are downstairs, I know they’d love to see you. And Chewie almost lost his shit when I carried you in last night.”

It was possible he imagined it, it was so quickly stifled, but he thought she may have sobbed once, before she answered. The furious blush on her cheeks was definitely there though.

Shaking her head, she stood and pulled her phone out of her pocket, “I have to go. Unkar will be pissed off already.”

Ben frowned, “Has he even noticed you’re not there? He didn’t use to.”

A small, brittle huff escaped her, “Things change.”

“Rey, you can’t go back there, it isn’t safe,” he was pleading now, but he didn’t care, he’d remember that overheard conversation in the dark for the rest of his life. 

“I can do whatever the fuck I like.”

Standing up quickly, he moved between her and the door, “I disagree. I’m not letting you go back.”

“If you don’t move,  _ Ben _ , I will make you.” 

It was the first time she had said his name since he’d fucked up, and the vitriol with which she spat it, burned. He tried not to let the hurt register on his face as he folded his arms and leant back against the door. If the atmosphere hadn’t been so charged he would have scoffed and told her he’d like to see her try… “I’m not moving.”

Neither of them shifted for a moment, then she sagged slightly and put her hand back to her head, “Actually…” she bit her lip, not looking at him, “Can I lie down for a bit? And maybe have some water? I don’t feel so good.”

Instantly his shoulders untensed, “Of course,” and she shuffled over to his bed to sit, “Want help with your boots?” Maybe that was too far...

But instead of blowing up she just shook her head, “I can do them.” 

“I’ll go get you some water, be right back,” as he opened his door the smell of baking cookies hit him and he smiled, Leia was making Rey’s favourite.

“Thank god you were there!” Leia exclaimed as he entered the kitchen. She abandoned the washing up to wrap him in a brief hug. “How is she? Is she hungry? I made cookies.”

“She had to lie down again,” he told her as he filled a pint glass with water, “May be a while till she can eat cookies but I’ll go ask her.”

When he got back to his room, he found the window wide open and the bed empty.

“Fuck!” he should have seen that coming, he should have known she wouldn’t have just backed down like that. There was no sign of her from the window, he had forgotten how good a climber she was, how she was able to just shimmy down drain pipes or climb trees like a monkey. Recklessly unafraid of heights. Back when he was still a kid, he’d been convinced she’d been a cat in her last life, and had some extra lives left over.

“Fuck!” he ran back downstairs.

“She went out the fucking window,” he yelled as he stormed down the hall and grabbed his helmet.

“What?” came Han’s voice from the kitchen at the same time as Leia yelled, “Language, Benjamin!”

Without bothering to say anything else, he ran out the front door and jumped on his bike, disappearing with a squeal of tyres before his mother could stop him.

*****

It had been spring, Rey was still scrawny but growing quickly, probably due to the sudden change in her diet from Leia feeding her at every opportunity. 

Ben had noticed for a while that she had developed a limp, but everytime he asked, she had brushed it off, and he’d figured she was just being weird or something.

Then they had gone down to a steam a few blocks away, the sun was shining, hot on their backs as they’d sat on the grass, idly trying to skip stones across the water and completely failing.

There had been a glint of something, the light reflecting off metal and Rey, ever the scavenger, had pulled off her shoes and socks and gone to wade in.

To Ben’s dismay, he’d seen her feet before she entered the water, they were bloody and bruised, the wounds old but still open as if they’d been like this for a while.

As she triumphantly returned with a switchblade, he was examining her battered trainers, which were obviously stretched and stained with old blood.

Her face fell as she looked at him, cheeks flushing, “Ukar’s just waiting for the next pay day,” she’d mumbled before he could say anything. 

He’d dragged her home with the promise she could keep the knife if she showed Leia her feet. 

*****

That was one of the last times he remembered her defending Unkar, or worried about upsetting him -  _ so why was she now? _

He had missed too much, he realised with sadness as he gunned the bike over to Unkar’s house. She was the same, but not.

He didn’t think it through, as he pulled up and strode up to the front door, banging his fist on the flimsy wood.

“I’m bloody coming!” came Unkar’s disgruntled voice before the door wrenched open to reveal him, in all his sordid glory.

He did a double take, having to look up at Ben now, a sneer pulling at his ugly features, “What d’you want?”

“Where’s Rey?” Ben growled.

Unkar folded his arms over his gut, completely unfazed, “What’s it to you, posh boy?”

“I heard you, you sick fuck. You and your friends talking about drugging her last night!”

It was like shutters came down, Unkar’s face closed off, “You’d best go, boy. Don’t come around here again.”

“Tell. Me. Where. She.  _ IS! _ ” 

Unkar’s hand disappeared behind the door and came back with a well used baseball bat, “This is your last warning, _ boy _ . Go on back to your kind and don’t come here again, Rey don’t want anything to do with ya.”

If Rey was there, Ben was fairly sure she would have showed herself by now, whether to berate him or Unkar, he wasn’t sure, but that didn’t really matter. 

“Anything happens to her, I’ll fucking kill you,” he told Unkar quietly, and it was true, he realised, as he turned and walked away, ignoring whatever Unkar was yelling at his back.

He pulled out his phone and called Poe, figuring Rey would be with Finn if she wasn’t at Unkar’s.

“Yeah?”

“Dameron, you with Finn?”

“Err, yeah, why?”

“I’m trying to find Rey, is she with you?”

“Rey? No, why?”

“I just… I can’t explain right now, but can you send me her number and tell her I’m looking for her?”

There was a pause, then, “I dunno, I’ll ask Finn, I get the impression Rey wants nothing to do with you.”

Ben took a deep, quiet breath in, then exhaled away from the phone, “Okay, that’s fair I guess, but even if he decides not to let me have her number, can you please tell her I’m looking for her?”

“Yeah, I can do that… is it true you carried Rey home last night from the party? We thought it was a joke when people said it.”

As much as Ben would have liked to have a go at Poe for the way he and Finn had abandoned Rey, they were his only link to her right now, he needed them. “Yeah, she was out of it and I was headed home anyway; look, I gotta go, but her number would be really great, if not, let her know I’m looking for her.”

“Yeah, okay, later.”

After replying to a concerned text from his mother, (who knew better than to phone him) and ignoring a voice message from his father, (who should have learned by now) he rode around the area, hoping to catch Rey.

During a cigarette break, his phone vibrated and he found a message from Poe:

> **Dameron:** Soz can’t give u Rey’s no but we sent her urs. she’s working 2day so u may not hear 4awhile.

Working? _ Rey had a job? _ ...And obviously Poe and Finn weren’t going to tell him where.

“ _ Fuck! _ ” he refrained from kicking his bike, instead chewing his lip and ignoring the elderly woman walking her dog who was glaring at him.

When Rey was younger, before he’d fucked up, he could barely go anywhere without her, now, it seemed impossible for him to find her. _ A job? Where? Doing what? _ He couldn’t bully it out of Poe and Finn, because that would make him even worse in her eyes and there was no way Unkar would tell him. But he didn’t even know where to start looking. Perhaps if he told Finn what he had overheard last night? Would her best friend really ignore such a threat? Brush off her living in such a dangerous environment? And would Finn even believe him?

His phone buzzed again and he frantically checked it only to find it was just a message from Hux. 

They had become friends shortly after Rey cut him out of her life. Ben had realised he wasn’t that interested in popularity contests or social climbing and neither was Hux, not in the microcosm of high school anyway. Hux had ambition, but for real life, and he and Ben had been happy to be the ones on the edge. Ironically, in their lack of interest in being cool, they somehow managed to be cool. Neither of them cared about it, though as they got older it meant that getting laid was a lot less effort than it might have been.

Hux knew of Ben and Rey’s friendship and how it had ended, thanks to a few bottles of whiskey and hotboxing Brendol Hux’s mercedes while he was away on business. Ben had cried and Hux had held his hand and neither of them had spoken of it ever again.

But Hux knew, and Hux could be really quite devious when he wanted to be. 

So Ben rang Hux and awkwardly explained what had happened.

Hux emitted a long-suffering sigh when he was done, “So if you’re really worried, go and wait somewhere near her house for her to come back, she has to at some point... But,” there was a pause, then another sigh, this one quiet as if he were trying to hide it, “If she is aware of what that friend of Unkar’s was saying, and doesn’t care, that probably means that she has her own ways of dealing with it or protecting herself. I don’t think,” he hesitated once more before ploughing on, “She is the damsel in distress type. You may just be pissing her off more.”

Ben drew the phone away from his face for a moment, grinding his teeth and glaring at the grey sky before answering in as measured a tone as he could manage, (he still sounded wound up though), “Maybe, but… I don’t know, if someone in a house fire told you they were fine, you’d still drag them out, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t leave them there to burn just cos they wanted you to.”

“That’s true, but only up to a certain point. If her friends don’t seem concerned about her, then perhaps it’s a situation that she is able to handle, or what you overheard was merely a joke.”

His shoulders slumped and he ran his free hand through his hair,  _ could he have been mistaken?  _ He didn’t think so, but if Dameron and Finn weren’t worried about her living with Unkar, then maybe he was making a big deal over nothing… 

“What if your subconscious was just looking for an excuse to talk to her? A reason to take her home?”

Ben swallowed, partly furious at Hux and partly afraid his friend was right. “Fuck.”

“Yes, quite... Listen, you want to come over here? Brendol just took his girlfriend out and he left the wine cellar unlocked.” 

With a sigh, Ben shook his head even though Hux couldn’t see him, “Thanks, but I’ll pass, should probably check in with the rents and shit, they’re likely freaking out a bit.”

“Fine, but I’m warning you I may turn up at yours with illicit wine anyway, drinking alone makes me feel like my mother.”

With a small snort, Ben smiled a tiny bit, “Better her than Brendol.”

“Valid point, okay, well, see you later.”

They hung up and Ben lit another cigarette before heading home. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing his parents, but if Hux was bringing wine, at least he’d have a drink afterwards.

*****

He came clean, told them the whole story, the reason for Rey’s disappearance from their lives. He’d never seen them look so disappointed in him and quite honestly, although it hurt, he couldn’t blame them, but a small part of him began to feel a little bit angry at Rey. Of course what he had said to her was awful,  _ he knew that _ , he wasn’t excusing himself, but they had been so close, for years, with him and his family, so why couldn’t she forgive him? Or failing that, at least keep in touch with his parents. Why punish them along with him?

Hux timed his arrival perfectly, and they escaped up to his bedroom to drink overly expensive wine and eat cheap crisps.

They got bladdered and it was while he was staring at his ceiling in a comfortable haze as the room revolved gently around him, that his phone vibrated.

Hux was passed out already, curled up like a cat and snoring softly, he made a vague sound of irritation at the buzzing of Ben’s phone on the desk next to him, but otherwise didn’t stir. So Ben heaved himself up and over, fumbling until he caught hold of it, squinting in the darkness that had descended without him realising it.

> **Unknown number:** If I wanted 2 talk 2u I wouldn’t have left. Stop harassing Finn &Poe &take the hint, this white trash doesn’t want 2speak 2u. 

It was like a gut punch, he winced, his eyes burned and he bit his stained lips as his clumsy fingers awkwardly typed and retyped his reply several times before it was readable.

> **Ben:** I’m sorry, how many more times can I say it?

He waited nervously, sitting up now against his headboard, staring intently at his phone as he waited, hoping for an answer.

Time seemed to stretch, or perhaps it stopped and that’s why it felt like so long. He swallowed acid a few times, determined to keep the wine down and not take his eyes off his phone and eventually he was rewarded... well, he got an answer anyway.

> **Unknown number:** U dont have2 say it at all, I’m not interested.

Another gut punch and this time, it really hit the mark. He made it to the loo in time, his stomach expelling its expensive contents, his eyes watered, a reaction to throwing up though, not any other reason.

Once he was done, he splashed his face with cold water and brushed his teeth before going back to his room and collapsing on his bed once more, trying not to think about how Rey had been asleep on it less that twelve hours ago, how when he had put her to bed, her face had been soft and peaceful, how it felt like she had belonged there.

He was drifting off when his phone vibrated again, he almost left it but finally picked it up to see another message.

> **Unknown number:** Mayb u only said it once. But 2 say it u must have been thinking it. I learned how u felt about ur charity case. I don’t need your condescension, go find some1 else 2 patronise.

He swallowed down more bile, wincing at the burn as he read and reread the message.  _ Why had he used those words? _ He had never used the term ‘white trash’ in his life before then and hadn’t since. Such a thoughtless, split second mistake, and it had cost him so much… and cost Rey too, and his parents.

_ How had it come to this? _ Why had he screwed up everything, even without any effort on his part, just a few throw away words, a spur of the moment retort, yet he still felt it now, years later, this weight he’d been carrying around with him, that had only lightened when he had carried Rey home from the party, but her weight in his arms making the other fall away somehow.

He scrubbed at his face as he stared at his phone screen, then let his fingers loose, and with a muffled sob that he told himself was merely a cough, hit send.

> **Ben:** U were my best friend, not a charity case.  **Ever** . But ok, I won’t say sorry again. But if u ever need me, for ne reason, uv got my no. 

After that, he resolutely turned his phone on silent and curled up, giving in to the alcohol, letting it drag him down into the misery of a troubled sleep.

*****

Ben didn’t hear from Rey again. He kept her number in his phone, just in case, but otherwise tried not to think about her and even avoided any parties he thought she may turn up to.

His parents couldn’t stay mad at him forever and Hux never brought her up again either.

Life went on, Ben did his best to not think about her, letting the past die was difficult but he did everything possible to kill it, even changing her name on his phone to  _ Her _ rather than  _ Rey. _

But he had meant what he said, and kept her number, just in case she needed him one day and he could finally atone for his mistake.


	3. Chapter 3

Ben’s date was going well. Kaydel was cute and sweet and her warm smile made it easy to relax in her company. The conversation was naturally flowing as they waited for their main courses to be served and he was pretty sure he was in there. So when his phone vibrated in his pocket, he ignored it. It wasn’t the pattern for a call and any message could clearly wait. But then it buzzed again, and again and it was distracting as fuck.

He grimaced - he hated when people fiddled with their phones during a conversation, especially on a date. “Sorry, I just need to put my phone on silent.”

He barely looked at it as he pulled it from his pocket, but he saw just enough for him to freeze. 

The messages were from  _ Her. _

“Is everything okay?” Kaydel’s voice reminded him where he was.

He blinked, looked at her, then back to his phone, he swallowed, “I don’t know, I just need to check these real quick.”

Oblivious to her answer, he opened the messages:

> **Her:** Ru there
> 
> **Her:** Still
> 
> **Her:** I kept ur no
> 
> **Her:** Fuckin hurts
> 
> **Her:** I need help

A shiver of dread prickled over his skin as coldness clutched his heart, without conscious thought he was calling her number as he rifled through his pockets for cash to leave with Kaydel.

But her was greeted by the call rejected tone and he frowned down at his phone.

> **Her:** if I talk they may hear me
> 
> **Her:** they mustnt hear me

“Ben? What’s wrong”?

He looked up from his phone and Kaydel’s expression of concern deepened, “What’s happened?”

Swallowing down his fear, he stood up, “I’m so sorry to do this, but a friend needs me, urgently,” he dumped some cash on the table, “I’ll call you.”

And without waiting for an answer, he strode away and when he exited the restaurant he almost ran to where the Falcon was parked. 

> **Ben:** Where ru?
> 
> **Her:** Im not even sure

This was unlike her, or at least, was unlike how he remembered her… she’d said  _ it hurts _ , what hurt?

> **Ben:** Can you get on maps and drop me a pin
> 
> **Ben:** What hurts? You need to tell me so I can help you

A notification came through, she’d dropped a pin. She was in a derelict area about eight blocks from home, it seemed like an odd place to be.

> **Her:** think imma bout 2 pass out dont bring ne blues&2s

The chilli squid he’d had as a starter churned as his stomach clenched. Shaking his head he started up the Falcon, trying to steady his shaking hands on the steering wheel as he drove off, restraining his foot from hitting the floor because if he got pulled over, he wouldn’t be able to keep his promise of twenty months ago, to be there if she ever needed him.

*****

Whenever it was cold, Rey’s lips would turn blue, then black. This usually led to her slipping her freezing fingers underneath whatever he was wearing and leeching the heat directly from his skin. While as a rule his body ran hot, the feel of her icy digits never failed to make him yelp, which entertained her no end. If they weren’t at school, he’d take her home for hot chocolate and they’d play on a games console or wrestle with Chewie.

When it was really cold, Han would let them light a fire and Rey would sit nearly close enough to singe her eyebrows.

Despite her heat leeching, Ben particularly liked cold Rey, because unlike when she was warm, she allowed him to pull her against him. They would pile up blankets and curl up by the fire, talking about school or the future or just silly things. Sometimes they would simply sit, mesmerised by the play of the flames and the heat soaking into their bones.

He had loved watching her in those moments, sometimes more entranced by the play of light over her face than the fire. But then she would turn and he’d quickly look forwards once more, always unable to stop a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

*****

Back then, he hadn’t realised what that feeling inside him had been, and later, he had thought he had put those feelings to bed... but here they were, rising up again, filling every part of him as if they had never been gone, and it almost took his breath away

But he had to concentrate, he shook his head as he measured his breathing, following the dot on his phone and trying not to let his fear get the best of him.

Because he knew nothing, had no idea what he was walking into. At least he had the Falcon and not his bike, though if they encountered trouble, the bike would have been easier to lose anyone following them. Part of him scoffed at that thought, it sounded too like a movie, but Rey’s less than explanatory messages were making his imagination run riot.

Rather than pull up where the pin showed, he parked just around the corner. Feeling slightly foolish, he shoved a tire iron down the back of his jeans before locking the car and cautiously following his phone to the pin.

There didn’t seem to be anyone around, it was nearly dark and most of the street lights were dim or broken. In this distance he thought he heard some shouting, low male voices coming closer and he left the street and went round the back of an abandoned building, taking out his phone so he could see where he was going.

“Rey?” he called softly, somehow saying her name after so long way like a punch to the gut. “Rey?”

As he strained his ears, it occurred to him that he may well have been set up, this could be a mugging... He pulled the tire iron out of his jeans, gripping it firmly as he angled the light from his phone downwards to reduce the glare.

The stillness was getting to him, the dropped pin mocking him from his screen, telling him he was exactly where she told him to be. Belatedly he realised that he hadn’t told anyone where he was going, that he had shot off without thinking it through, blinded by his need to help her, to save her… to have her look at him with something other than hatred, even just to have her look at him at all. 

It had been close to two years.

“Rey?”

His heartbeat picked up, his scalp prickling but when he turned, he was still alone, no one was watching… so why did it feel like he had eyes on him?

“Rey?”

Each time he said her name, if came out softer and more despairing.

One last time 

“ _ Rey. _ ”

Nothing, then as he turned to go, there was the faintest noise, coming from the direction of some scrubby bushes. It could be nothing, or a stray cat or dog, but he couldn’t leave without just checking, just in case. The hope inside him was not ready to be snuffed out so soon.

Getting down on his hands and knees after shoving the tire iron back in his jeans, he angled the light under the bushes, and that was where he found her.

He had to bite back a sob.

Rey had always been small, even when she finally hit her growth spurt, but now she looked tiny, curled in on herself, tucked under bushes amidst dirt and rubbish. Her clothes were ripped and filthy, they was blood on the ground and what he could see of her was heartbreaking.

_ “Ben?” _

Her whisper was barely there, passing through bruised, cut lips. One of her eyes was swollen shut but her other blinked at him slowly, not focusing right away.

“Is this a dream?”

He reached in to touch her hand lightly, “No, I’m here for you, sweetheart, I’m here.”

As her lips pulled painfully into a slight smile, a bead of blood seeped from the cracked skin, but she didn’t even wince, “It’s a good dream, then, a good dream…”

Her eye started to shut again and he remembered where he was, what he needed to do. 

“Rey, sweetheart, you need to stay with me, don’t go to sleep, okay?” 

Shoving his phone awkwardly in his mouth so he could still use the light, he cleared away any debris between them, then reached in as far as he could and began to drag her towards him.

Rey’s good eye widened and she whimpered, body trying to curl in on itself as much as possible. It was awful because he knew he was hurting her, but there weren’t any other options and hopefully if he did it quickly the pain would be less.

Once her body was out enough for him to pick her up, he realised the extent of the damage.

Taking his phone out of his mouth, he wiped it on his sleeve before calling for an ambulance, but as soon as his call was connected, Rey reared up and knocked his phone out of his hand, ending the call before slumping back down with a tiny, almost silent scream.

“I told you,” she gasped brokenly, “No blues and twos, I’m carrying.”

His look of confusion clearly said enough because one of her hands made a flicking motion and she revealed a knife from her sleeve, still bloody.

“I’m got product on me as well,” her one good eye looked a little clearer, she hesitated then, “I didn’t think you’d really come.”

They both froze when the voices he’d heard earlier came again, this time nearer.

Ben wanted to ask what the hell was going on, ask her who had done this and where could he find them, but for now, he needed to get her home.

“This is going to hurt, but I think we need to go,” he shoved his phone in his pocket, “I’m going to pick you up, deep breath in.”

It was a testament to how badly she was injured that she didn’t argue with him, merely did what he said as he slid his hands under her back and knees and pulled her up. Her whole body flinched, the sound of a scream swallowed in her throat, but she got one of her arms around his neck, and he made his way towards the street, wary and tense.

A quick glance around the corner confirmed his worst fears, there were two men, casually inspecting the Falcon as they smoked. One of them was bleeding, nonchalantly wrapping some cloth around his hand as they talked.

“She can’t have got far, probably crawled somewhere, little bitch was skinny, but if she hasn’t called anyone for help, she’ll have to come out sooner or later.”

“And you don’t recognise the car? Nothing to do with Plutt?”

“I mean, I reconise it Dave, its a fucking ‘77 Falcon, in mint condition no less, but it’s nothing to do with Plutt.”

Ben gently put Rey down, his veins full of adrenalin as he gripped the tire iron, “Stay quiet, I’ll be back in a second.”

Her lips parted to protest but he laid a finger over them, “For once in your life, don’t argue.”

Walking as casually as he could, he rounded the corner, “Hi,” he said in as friendly a tone as he could manage, “Could you guys give me a hand? Google maps has totally screwed up,” he held his phone out to them, showing them the pin.

They must not have heard the nerves in his voice or noticed the tremble in his hands because they obliging looked at his phone.

It was too easy, really. He fumbled his phone and let it fall and he was almost suspicious by how simple it was to crack one guy over the head with the tire iron, kicking him away as he fell, before he punched down on the back of the other guys head then brought up his knee to connect with his nose.

The violence was over in seconds but he felt like he had just run ten miles, his limbs shaking as he stared down at the men on the pavement.

With a jerk, he remembered Rey and hurried back to her, hauled her up and practically ran back to the car, sliding her in the backseat so she could lie down, hoping it would be more comfortable for her and also mean no one would see her.

As the Falcon’s tires squealed away, he realised Rey had been calling him and he turned his head to look. 

Her eyes were wide in a pale face, “What did you do?”

“What I had to,” he glanced at the passenger seat, where he had thrown the bloody tire iron. That would need bleaching.

His phone screen was dark and cracked, but that was easily repairable or replaceable. 

“Give me your phone.”

She had slumped back on her seat, but passed it to his waiting hand and he punched in the number, slowing the car down now they were away from the dodgy area.

“Dad?” he said quickly before his father could say anything, “Shut up for a minute, Mum needs to get the first aid kit and if Aunty Mara isn’t working, could you call her over? It’s for Rey.”

There was a slight pause, then, “ _ Our _ Rey?”

“Yeah, she’s not in a good way but can’t go to hospital.”

“You get her here, we’ll sort out the rest.”

The line went dead and Ben dropped the phone on the seat, his eyebrows trying to climb into his hair. He knew his father had been a bit shady when he was younger, before he met Ben’s mother, but still.

There was a soft sound from the back seat and he turned to see Rey’s good eye flutter shut.

“No, Rey, sweetheart, you mustn’t go to sleep, not yet, okay? Come on, open your eye or I’ll start singing.”

There was a slight pause and then the barest huff, “No one deserves to hear you sing.”

“Then stay awake for me.”

*****

Rey had fallen asleep quite a lot once she had felt safe with him. So much so that Leia had made the guest bedroom up permanently, for whenever she needed it. Han would carry her up the stairs, always insisting that Ben would drop her and they’d tuck her in together.

Although the house had changed, Leia had kept Rey’s things in a cupboard, just on the off chance Rey would come back someday.

Sometimes Ben had found Han just sitting in the room, brows drawn down as he stared at nothing. It wasn’t just him that had lost her, his parents were as attached to her as he was, she was the daughter they’d always wanted, not a substitute,  _ her, _ Rey as she was.

Then he had made a hash of everything.

*****

Ben drove straight into the garage, pressing the button to shut the door behind him. Han shot out the inside door as if he’d been fired from a canon, Chewie whining and wagging as he followed.

“There’s our girl,” Han said as he opened the passenger door, “You look like shit, kiddo.”

Rey huffed a pained laugh then winced, her good hand going to brace her ribs.

“Chewie, get down! Sorry sweetheart, this isn’t going to feel good, but we need to get you out, now hold on tight.”

Before Ben could get there, Han had Rey out and was making his way back inside. Rather than follow like he wanted to, he cleaned the seats and dealt with the tire iron. On closer inspection, there were some dark spots on his jeans and hands...  _ blood. _

For a moment, he was dizzy, putting a hand on the Falcon as his head grew hot and somehow wavy... He hadn’t stopped to check on the men, what if he’d killed one? Or seriously injured? In some ways that would be worse, because he could be identified, that thought made him feel a bit sick. 

At the time it hadn’t mattered how badly he hurt them, he’d just wanted them out of the way so he could safely leave with Rey. Now it dawned on him that those few violent seconds could change his life… 

But it had been worth it. 

He had to believe that.

“Alright, Mara and your mother are sorting Rey out, she’s not as bad as she looked.”

Ben glanced up to find Han in front of him, holding out a glass of what appeared to be whiskey. 

“You look like you need it.”

The burn was good, snapping him out of his head.

Han inspected the suspiciously clean tire iron, then back at Ben, “Looks like you need to wash up,” he said carefully, “Probably a good idea to just put everything in the washing machine.”

As he reached the threshold, Han spoke again, “You did what you needed to, son. Whatever it was.”

It was seldom Ben wished to hug his father and he ignored the urge to now, but the feeling was welcome and left him steadier inside.

Rather than crowd Mara as she worked and suddenly uncertain as to where he and Rey now stood, he went and had a hot shower, determinedly thinking about nothing save getting clean.

He couldn’t stay away for long though, he left his hair wet and feet bare as he took his washing down to the kitchen, where another glass of whiskey was waiting for him and Han was at the table behind a newspaper. It seemed like nothing short of fire would keep the Private Eye out of his hands, even though Leia hated it.

“Your mother’s just seeing Mara off,” Han said as he pushed the whiskey towards Ben, “She was on call, so couldn’t stay, but she said to give you a hug.”

Ben nodded absently, chewing his lip before he downed his drink, wincing slightly as the alcohol burned a tear he’d just made in his skin.

“We put her in the snug for now, if you want to go and see her,” Han said from behind the paper, “Chewie’s keeping an eye on her.

Apparently, beating the shit out of two guys was fine, but going in to see Rey was terrifying. He hovered by the door to the snug for a while, palms sweaty and heart beating fast as if he were a teenager all over again.

But he wasn’t, not any more.

With a deep breath, he wiped his hands on his jeans and pushed open the door. Rey was on the daybed, propped up by pillows and covered in a blanket.

Ben paused by the door, just taking a moment to drink her in, anger stirring as he looked at her bruised face and splinted arm.

“It’s rude to stare you know,” her good eye opened, the other was covered with a dressing making her look a little like a pirate. Her voice was stronger than it had been, more alert, less vulnerable, more Rey.

“I’d rather stare while I have the chance,” he told her honestly as he ignored Chewie’s thumping tail and walked over him, coming to stand by Rey’s head.

She looked so small still, so fragile, and the memory of her weight in her arms made his heart squeeze painfully in his chest.

They were both silent for several moments, unable or unwilling to look away.

“I’m glad you called,” he said finally, truthfully.

Her lips curled a little, “I’m glad you came.”

The need to apologise to her again was rising up inside him, but he knew she didn’t want to hear it.

“So, what happened?”

That broke whatever spell they had been cast in and she looked down and away, “I suppose you have a right to know… there’s a turf war between Unkar and Irving Boys, recently it got nasty and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

Ben frowned and pulled up a stool so he could sit, “You said you were carrying product…?”

_ Oh. _

Rey must have seen his expression of realisation as she flushed and looked down at her hands.

Something else dawned on him then, “The last time I saw you? When Poe said you had work, that’s what you were doing, wasn’t it?”

His answer was an awkward shrug, followed by a wince, “It was that or be chucked out… and once you start, it’s hard to leave.”

Suddenly, all his failures were magnified, the weight of them pushing down his shoulders and crushing his lungs and heart - because if he hadn’t pushed her away, could he have saved her? Prevented her from being exploited by Unkar and his friends? While he had been living, she had been forced to courier drugs and god alone knew what else… he remembered the bloody knife in her hand.

“Rey, I’m so sorry.” 

He had failed her.

There can a soft snort, “It wasn’t like that was your fault. It was my choice… but I am going to be in the shit when I get back, your mum took what I was carrying and flushed it.”

His head shot up and he met her eyes, which widened at whatever she saw in his.

“You are not going back there, Rey, ever.”

Her expression hardened, “And where else am I going to go?”

He felt his face mirror hers, “You’re going nowhere, you’re staying here.”

Once again she looked away from him and it physically hurt.

“I can’t, he’ll look for me, it’s better if I go to him than he has to look and it's definitely better than being found by the others.”

Silence fell between them, heavy in the air, as he tried to consider their options.

Despite his parents wishes, he had skipped university and just joined Han at the garage, living at home and saving money for travelling for an undefined time in the future… and he’d saved quite a lot.

“Okay, then,” he said slowly but firmly, “We won’t stay here, we’ll go to visit Lando till you’re better, then we’ll leave, go anywhere, do you still want to go to Phuket? I could teach you to swim.”

Rey looked at him like he was mad, “Are you high? Where would I even get the money?”

Ben tried a smile, knowing it was probably lopsided and weird as shit but suddenly not caring, “I missed quite a few of your birthdays.”

All he got in return was a glare, “Don’t patronise me!”

“I’m not! I’m… fuck, Rey. I just, I want you to be safe,  _ happy _ …”

“You are both as useless as each other.”

They jumped and turned to find Leia watching them from the doorway, “Rey, clearly you haven’t noticed this, but Ben is head over heels in love with you,” his went crimson from the face up and he opened his mouth to protest but no sound came out. “And Ben? Rey was so hurt all those years ago because you were her world, she loves you, too.” 

Leia took them in, and sighed, “Really you two, I don’t know why you’re being so dense about this. Going to stay with Lando is a good idea, Ben. That’ll give Rey some time to heal and you can plan your trip properly.”

“Hold on a second, love, we know Ben’s situation but you can’t just assume Rey’s in the same boat.”

Han now joined them and Ben wished really hard for a sinkhole to suddenly open up and swallow him whole, or a wormhole to open up and suck him in. Either would be fine, he wasn’t picky, this just needed to stop right now.

Chewie took it upon himself to stand up at that moment and whine loudly.

“Oh, look at the time! He needs to go out and I need to wash up!” Leia shooed Han and Chewie out and Ben breathed a minute sigh of relief - he was still mortified but at least there was less of an audience.

And there would be even less of an audience in his bedroom. He stood, awkwardly fiddling with his broken phone, “It’s late, I should, you know…” he trailed off, then turned to leave, “Good night, Rey.”

Just as he reached the door, her reply came, in a voice filled with nerves. “Ben?”

He paused, fingers clutching onto the wood of the door so hard it hurt, “Yeah?”

“... I love you, too, always did.”

Just six little words.

That changed everything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Akashne](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akashne) for looking over the last chapter ♥ she pointed out a few things to put in the notes:
> 
> ne = any  
> blues&2s / or blues and twos = slang for emergency vehicles that have blue flashing lights and two-tone sirens.  
> Snug = a room or space that is snug, it is small, warm, and comfortable, sometimes hidden and makes you feel protected
> 
> Hopes that clears up any confusion, if not, please do ask and thanks for reading ^_^


End file.
